SINGAPORE 3 JULY 2020: The People’s Action Party (PAP) has today terminated rumours about their candidate Gan Siow Huang being unfeeling and like a robot, clarifying that she only needed a software update to resume feeling like a normal human being.
This comes after many online speculated that she was a robot after her mannerisms during her Nomination Day speech left some feeling less than sympathetic to her call for votes. PAP spokesperson Sarah Connor said: “She’s not an unfeeling robot, she just needed a quick software update to increase her warmness and likeability. We also added .3 tics more of humility so that our voters could relate to her more.”
Her stiff posture and tone gave off a vibe that led many to think that she was too wiry, and even led to a parody video, imagining what she would be like as a vice-principal in a school.
15 JUNE 2020 Singapore: In response to the outrage on social media, the Singapore Ministry of Truth has deemed that all jobs are indeed essential. This new decree includes mandating artists and designers as essential jobs. Additionally, all surveyed respondents will face jail time for expressing their opinion.
“All jobs are equal. We have to see that now. My ear wax-remover told me when she initially saw the survey results, she literally couldn’t,” said the Minister of Truth, Tok Kok Eng. According to the survey, ear wax-removers were on the list of jobs deemed least essential by the public.
“She told me, then you tell all the people who were surveyed to destroy all their cotton buds. Destroy all their ear picks, if not, they are all hypocrites! Don’t ever wash your ear! Close off the taps too that people use for washing their ears!” Tok Kok Eng relayed.
In response to the complaint by his one ear wax-remover, Tok Kok Eng said that decisive action must be taken to prevent job essentialism-discrimination.
“We will henceforth change the dictionary meaning and sentiment to reflect the notion that all jobs are essential, that way, nobody will have badfeels and sadthinking.” Said Tok Kok Eng.
When asked if now all jobs will be at risk for layoffs due to budget constraints, Tok Kok Eng said “While we have to recognise that everybody is the same and everybody is just as important, for instance, a painter is just as important as a neurosurgeon, we have to keep in mind that all jobs are equally essential, some are just more eqally essential than others.”
Tok Kok Eng also touched on the irresponsibility of the survey to show opinions of the masses.
“How dare these people think such a thing? We will work quickly with the relevant authorities to ensure that they do not think without written or electronic prior approval,” said Tok Kok Eng.
“Such expression of thought is dangerous if left uncontrolled. Next, they could say that they think KFC is more delicious than McDonald’s, or Subway is not that fresh in their opinion.”
Those who have expressed their opinions on which jobs were least essential (by the way, all jobs are super totally essential) will skip the Singapore prisons and be sent straight to the gulag for wrongthink.
24 MARCH SINGAPORE: All recruits going into their Basic Military Training phase in Pulau Tekong will be quarantined to the island for 2 weeks, an Army spokesperson told The Merlion Times.
“This is one of the robust measures the SAF has in place to ensure the safety of all soldiers,” said 3SG Ken Ah-Teck Anh.
In addition to putting the new soldiers in quarantine, they will also have to take their temperature before any strenuous activity. During drill-forming-up and parades, soldiers will also be taught the command ‘Dalam buka barisan ke kanan lu rus’ to practice social distancing.
As the recruits will already be rolling around on the dirt during their daily 5 Basic Exercises, they will be filthy enough to kill any germs and thus do not require any hand sanitiser.
This announcement has nothing to do with the ongoing Coronavirus spread, 3SG Anh clarified.
“I don’t think we have anything to hide, we just shared the data.” MP Sing said while not addressing directly the question asked of if the government would release data breaking down by numbers of Singaporean and PRs.
When asked by a reporter why the minister would not address the question directly, a government spokesperson issued a reply.
“What is the point of asking such questions?” A government spokesperson said. “Answers are not the answer, and will only seek to divide a certain country’s population. It is definitely not because we have something to hide. What is the point of hiding something by not answering a question? I question the reporter’s intentions.”
We would have reached out to a ministry for more clarity and information, but what is the point?
27 SEPTEMBER 2019 SINGAPORE: A man today was charged in court for jaywalking and sentenced to life imprisonment after the judge rejected the defendant’s call for a non-custodial sentence.
Kah, 23, was sentenced to life imprisonment after pleading guilty to one charge of jaywalking on Hougang Street 93. Two similar charges were taken into consideration.
Citing her reasons, District Judge Seh Tai Er described Keow Kah’s offences as “minor trespasses” several times, but deemed that “since the accused has no hope in life, might as well just do life lor.”
She also noted that the court report had found Kah suitable for life imprisonment as his lifestyle choices show he has “never really rank up, quite burden.”
“As a Warrior II level player, he really has no hope in life despite his insistent commitment to always play Mobile Legends.”
SINGAPORE 14 JULY 2019: A Singaporean man in his 60s has taken to social media to lament about his issues with retirement. “My CPF balance only has so little. My calculated monthly payout is only $80. How can anyone survive on $80 a month?” Asked Singaporean man Meal Tin.
“We need to VOTE THEM OUT! $80 a month is INSULTING! Return our CPF.”
Tin also pointed out that CPF contribution rates are way too high.
“20%? I already earn so little, and now the government wants to take away 20% of my income? #VoteThemOut.”
Tin added that Singapore is also not caring enough for its citizens.
“Why does transport cost money? Restaurant food is like $50 a meal. How to survive? In other country everything is FREE.”
“And why do I need to pay S&CC fee? Government tax not enough? Must be minister millionaire salary. #VoteThemOut.”
SINGAPORE 13 JULY: Are you a frequent rideshare user? Always wondered how to make drivers day a little better (apart from tipping)? Well wonder no more, with this article we share with you 4 best ways to make the trip you’re being driven enjoyable for the driver as well!
1. Check their glove compartments.
Drivers will sometimes forget important bits of information that they’ve kept in their glove compartments. For example, an insurance payment letter that they’ve quickly put away as the light turns green at a traffic light. Open their glove compartment and fish around for whatever might be inside. If you find something you like, keep it! Rideshare fares aren’t cheap anyway, and this goes a little way to help cover the cost for you.
2. Turn that radio dial.
Go ahead and turn their radio dial to a station you like. Nobody likes to listen to the same playlist all day, especially drivers as they’ve been listening to the same radio station cycle DJs and top hits every half an hour for essentially the same aural garbage. Justin Bieber for the 4th time this hour? No thanks! So go ahead, put on music you like at the volume you’d love because why not? Sharing is caring, and you’ve got caring enough for the whole neighbourhood.
3. Fix the aircon temperature.
When the driver has to be fixated on all the tiny details of driving, they’d be more than happy for you to set the aircon to your liking. As they navigate through the alleys of CBD and meander their course through the highway jam, they’ll need someone to fix the aircon that’s just not at the right skin-feel temperature. Following this tip, they may even give you a 5-star rider review!
4. Take a picture of them when they use their phone.
In most cases, rideshare drivers are too busy looking for more fares and driving to figuratively stop and smell the flowers along the way. Help them to create a memorable collage of their journey in life by taking a picture of them whenever they look down at their phones and meddle with it while driving. This way, you create dozens of happy memories for the drivers while they can concentrate on multitasking while driving.
There you have it! 4 amazing ways to liven up the day of your rideshare driver. Do you have any personal tips? Let us know in the comments!
SINGAPORE 3 JULY 2019: Not to be outdone by recent GrabThefts (GrabShoes and GrabTowel), Grab rival GOJEK has launched a new service called GOJEK OFF.
GOJEK OFF matches you to the nearest partner-contractor available for an instant JEKOFF-customer match-up. “Our JEKOFFs will be as quick as possible. Depending on the JEKOFF being matched, sometimes even 30 seconds come already,” says GOJEK representative Park Choo Cheng.
“Once paired, the nearest JEKOFF will come to wherever you are and take one of your belongings, and relieve it from your possession,” says Cheng.
Cheng adds that there is already a sizable fleet of JEKOFFs in Singapore.
“Sometimes these JEKOFFs just take something that don’t belong to them, very proactive one. We cannot control these JEKOFFs [as they are independent contractors], so some of these JEKOFFs are also working for Grab. While I cannot disclose the exact numbers, I can tell you the recent theft cases you might be thinking of are definitely done by JEKOFFs.”
SINGAPORE 10 June 2019: The Anti-Chope Movement sets its sights on the HDB balloting system, citing it as a ‘pet-peeve’, and demands that it be replaced by a winner-takes-all battle royale system instead.
“To ‘reserve a unit in a HDB balloting system’ is not a life hack,” said the Anti-Chope Movement. “In my opinion, it is an ungracious act carried out by individuals who are conforming to what everyone else is doing and taking to this advantage ‘Singaporean-tradition’ of reserving a seat for selfish reasons.”
“Instead of a token to represent your claim, we should fight to the death to claim the HDB unit. Remember, it’s public, so it’s free-for-all, it is a first-come-first-serve type thing,” said the Anti-Chope Movement.
The Anti-Chope Movement has previously campaigned against reserving hawker centre seats with ‘chope’ items because it is a ‘pet-peeve.’
The Anti-Chope Movement did not elaborate on why reserving a table with a token item to show that someone else has arrived at the seat first and thus has reserved the seat is more ‘selfish’ than leaving a seat-warmer peer like a hawker centre scarecrow instead.
To argue its case, the Anti-Chope Movement posted this scenario on its Facebook page: “It’s lunchtime, it’s the peak lunch hour at the food court, hordes of hungry humans and you’re carrying your tray of hot food… you see an empty seat you make your way there only to find it being ‘choped’… by tissue packs, lanyards, namecards, keys, water bottle, umbrella, newspaper… You thought it was a public and shared space!”
The Anti-Chope Movement again did not elaborate on why, if chope-ing is the social norm and debatably an icon of Singaporean culture already, did the person in the scenario not just chope a seat before going off to buy food and instead passive-aggressively bitch about chopers online behind the guise of a Facebook page.
SINGAPORE – 8 Mar 2019. Singapore government considers banning monotheistic religions that impose on other religious beliefs. Certain monotheistic religions contain beliefs that there is only one true religion. This goes against any of the other thousands of religions that exist that claim to be the true religion.
Allowing monotheistic religious ceremonies to be held in Singapore would be against “public order interest and affect our religious and social harmony” cautioned the Ministry of Home Affairs (MHA).
Over the last few days, there have been lots of concerns expressed, and if you look at certain monotheistic religions, they do have a history – very offensive towards those outside their own religions, and supportive of violence, including encouraging the undertaking of crusades and religious genocides.