Singapore activists rush to defend new pieces of shit

Activist running to defend a newly-found piece of shit: Unsplash

17 DEC 2020 SINGAPORE: Activists across Singapore had their activist-senses on fire today as they rushed to defend newly-uncovered pieces of shit.

Two pieces of defecation today were charged in court for the murder of a woman in a 13-year-long open case.

After learning of the heinous crimes committed by the literal pieces of shit, activists raced to jump in front of desperate media microphones to defend the pieces of shit. “This is state oppression, and this Stasi government will silence us all if they could!” Daniel Loo-Hsien-Earl told to media outlets that were happy to carry his statements unchecked.

“Today, these innocent pieces of shit, tomorrow you!” D. Loo-Hsien-Earl continued. “Let them go now!”

Lawyer and opposition politican Gan Troup said “I have declared this investigation of the pieces of shit to be politically motivated, therefore this is state oppression carried out by crony crooked cops! Set them free at once I say!” Gan was speaking to media outlets through Changi Prison visitation chambers as he chose to not cooperate with Police investigating two separate matters he was accused of. “This Nazi government will do away with us all one by one with no due process! Is this the government you want to vote for?!”

Gan is awaiting trial on his own charges, as well representing a different activist in a trial against the sitting Prime Minister.

“All they did was hold up a sign, in support of a political event with political motivations, and it happened to be in front of a police station! If that’s a protest, then lock me up too!”, an activist protested to media cameras on the state of the authoritarian government locking up another activist for protesting on a separate occasion.


PAP: Gan Siow Huang unfeeling robot untrue, just needed software update

Photo: Gan Siow Huang at virtual press event

SINGAPORE 3 JULY 2020: The People’s Action Party (PAP) has today terminated rumours about their candidate Gan Siow Huang being unfeeling and like a robot, clarifying that she only needed a software update to resume feeling like a normal human being.

This comes after many online speculated that she was a robot after her mannerisms during her Nomination Day speech left some feeling less than sympathetic to her call for votes. PAP spokesperson Sarah Connor said: “She’s not an unfeeling robot, she just needed a quick software update to increase her warmness and likeability. We also added .3 tics more of humility so that our voters could relate to her more.”

Her stiff posture and tone gave off a vibe that led many to think that she was too wiry, and even led to a parody video, imagining what she would be like as a vice-principal in a school.

Gan Siow Huang also drew much adoration online for being the first female Singapore Armed Forces personnel to reach the rank of Brigadier General.

All the best to Ms Gan in the upcoming elections as she will be running against Ang Yong Guan from the Progress Singapore Party in Marymount SMC.

All jobs deemed essential, surveyees to face jail

Photo by Kit Suman on Unsplash

15 JUNE 2020 Singapore: In response to the outrage on social media, the Singapore Ministry of Truth has deemed that all jobs are indeed essential. This new decree includes mandating artists and designers as essential jobs. Additionally, all surveyed respondents will face jail time for expressing their opinion.

“All jobs are equal. We have to see that now. My ear wax-remover told me when she initially saw the survey results, she literally couldn’t,” said the Minister of Truth, Tok Kok Eng. According to the survey, ear wax-removers were on the list of jobs deemed least essential by the public.

“She told me, then you tell all the people who were surveyed to destroy all their cotton buds. Destroy all their ear picks, if not, they are all hypocrites! Don’t ever wash your ear! Close off the taps too that people use for washing their ears!” Tok Kok Eng relayed.

In response to the complaint by his one ear wax-remover, Tok Kok Eng said that decisive action must be taken to prevent job essentialism-discrimination.

“We will henceforth change the dictionary meaning and sentiment to reflect the notion that all jobs are essential, that way, nobody will have badfeels and sadthinking.” Said Tok Kok Eng.

When asked if now all jobs will be at risk for layoffs due to budget constraints, Tok Kok Eng said “While we have to recognise that everybody is the same and everybody is just as important, for instance, a painter is just as important as a neurosurgeon, we have to keep in mind that all jobs are equally essential, some are just more eqally essential than others.”

Tok Kok Eng also touched on the irresponsibility of the survey to show opinions of the masses.

“How dare these people think such a thing? We will work quickly with the relevant authorities to ensure that they do not think without written or electronic prior approval,” said Tok Kok Eng.

“Such expression of thought is dangerous if left uncontrolled. Next, they could say that they think KFC is more delicious than McDonald’s, or Subway is not that fresh in their opinion.”

Those who have expressed their opinions on which jobs were least essential (by the way, all jobs are super totally essential) will skip the Singapore prisons and be sent straight to the gulag for wrongthink.


Image result for sungei tekong

Pulau Tekong Island: WIKIPEDIA

24 MARCH SINGAPORE: All recruits going into their Basic Military Training phase in Pulau Tekong will be quarantined to the island for 2 weeks, an Army spokesperson told The Merlion Times.

“This is one of the robust measures the SAF has in place to ensure the safety of all soldiers,” said 3SG Ken Ah-Teck Anh.

In addition to putting the new soldiers in quarantine, they will also have to take their temperature before any strenuous activity. During drill-forming-up and parades, soldiers will also be taught the command ‘Dalam buka barisan ke kanan lu rus’ to practice social distancing.

Dalam buka barisan, ke kanan lu rus: MP Lam Pin Min


As the recruits will already be rolling around on the dirt during their daily 5 Basic Exercises, they will be filthy enough to kill any germs and thus do not require any hand sanitiser.

This announcement has nothing to do with the ongoing Coronavirus spread, 3SG Anh clarified.

Government to remove labels Singaporean and PR to avoid dividing Singapore.

Singapore's oft-debated foreign worker policy sparked an exchange between Trade and Industry Minister Chan Chun Sing and Workers' Party chief Pritam Singh in Parliament on Monday (Jan 6).
Minister of Parliament A and Minister of Parliament B. Names have been removed to reduce divisiveness. PHOTO: TODAY

SINGAPORE 9 JAN 2020: In an effort to reduce divisiveness between Singaporeans and Permanent Residents (PR)s, the Singapore government will remove the labels from use.

Earlier this week Minister of Parliament  (MP) Sing and MP Singh clashed in Parliament over access to data on the number of jobs created for Singaporeans versus PRs.

“I don’t think we have anything to hide, we just shared the data.” MP Sing said while not addressing directly the question asked of if the government would release data breaking down by numbers of Singaporean and PRs.

When asked by a reporter why the minister would not address the question directly, a government spokesperson issued a reply.

“What is the point of asking such questions?” A government spokesperson said. “Answers are not the answer, and will only seek to divide a certain country’s population. It is definitely not because we have something to hide. What is the point of hiding something by not answering a question? I question the reporter’s intentions.”

We would have reached out to a ministry for more clarity and information, but what is the point?



Man gets life in prison for jaywalking; Deemed no future as plays Mobile Legends


27 SEPTEMBER 2019 SINGAPORE: A man today was charged in court for jaywalking and sentenced to life imprisonment after the judge rejected the defendant’s call for a non-custodial sentence.

Kah, 23, was sentenced to life imprisonment after pleading guilty to one charge of jaywalking on Hougang Street 93. Two similar charges were taken into consideration.

Citing her reasons, District Judge Seh Tai Er described Keow Kah’s offences as “minor trespasses” several times, but deemed that “since the accused has no hope in life, might as well just do life lor.”

She also noted that the court report had found Kah suitable for life imprisonment as his lifestyle choices show he has “never really rank up, quite burden.”

“As a Warrior II level player, he really has no hope in life despite his insistent commitment to always play Mobile Legends.”

In a separate case, a molester was given probation this year in lieu of a jail sentence as the judge found the offences to be “minor intrusions” and found the accused has the “potential to excel in life”.

Kah did not respond to our questions on his sentencing as he was busy playing Mobile Legends.



Singapore Boomer: CPF Contributions too high, payouts too low.

SINGAPORE 14 JULY 2019: A Singaporean man in his 60s has taken to social media to lament about his issues with retirement. “My CPF balance only has so little. My calculated monthly payout is only $80. How can anyone survive on $80 a month?” Asked Singaporean man Meal Tin.

“We need to VOTE THEM OUT! $80 a month is INSULTING! Return our CPF.”

Tin also pointed out that CPF contribution rates are way too high.

“20%? I already earn so little, and now the government wants to take away 20% of my income? #VoteThemOut.”

Tin added that Singapore is also not caring enough for its citizens.

“Why does transport cost money? Restaurant food is like $50 a meal. How to survive? In other country everything is FREE.”

“And why do I need to pay S&CC fee? Government tax not enough? Must be minister millionaire salary. #VoteThemOut.”


4 Ways to Make your Grab/Gojek Driver Enjoy his Trip

Use these tips to make your rideshare driver enjoy fetching you. Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

SINGAPORE 13 JULY: Are you a frequent rideshare user? Always wondered how to make drivers day a little better (apart from tipping)? Well wonder no more, with this article we share with you 4 best ways to make the trip you’re being driven enjoyable for the driver as well!

1. Check their glove compartments.

Drivers will sometimes forget important bits of information that they’ve kept in their glove compartments. For example, an insurance payment letter that they’ve quickly put away as the light turns green at a traffic light. Open their glove compartment and fish around for whatever might be inside. If you find something you like, keep it! Rideshare fares aren’t cheap anyway, and this goes a little way to help cover the cost for you.

2. Turn that radio dial.

Crank that up to 11! Photo by Oliur on Unsplash

Go ahead and turn their radio dial to a station you like. Nobody likes to listen to the same playlist all day, especially drivers as they’ve been listening to the same radio station cycle DJs and top hits every half an hour for essentially the same aural garbage. Justin Bieber for the 4th time this hour? No thanks! So go ahead, put on music you like at the volume you’d love because why not? Sharing is caring, and you’ve got caring enough for the whole neighbourhood.

3. Fix the aircon temperature.

Too hot or too cold? Have it your way. Photo by Luigi Manga on Unsplash

When the driver has to be fixated on all the tiny details of driving, they’d be more than happy for you to set the aircon to your liking. As they navigate through the alleys of CBD and meander their course through the highway jam, they’ll need someone to fix the aircon that’s just not at the right skin-feel temperature. Following this tip, they may even give you a 5-star rider review!

4. Take a picture of them when they use their phone.

Finger that phone! Photo by NordWood Themes on Unsplash.

In most cases, rideshare drivers are too busy looking for more fares and driving to figuratively stop and smell the flowers along the way. Help them to create a memorable collage of their journey in life by taking a picture of them whenever they look down at their phones and meddle with it while driving. This way, you create dozens of happy memories for the drivers while they can concentrate on multitasking while driving.

There you have it! 4 amazing ways to liven up the day of your rideshare driver. Do you have any personal tips? Let us know in the comments!

GOJEK launches GOJEK OFF in response to recent GrabThefts

GOJEK OFF service launched in response to recent GrabThefts. Image: AsiaOne

SINGAPORE 3 JULY 2019: Not to be outdone by recent GrabThefts (GrabShoes and GrabTowel), Grab rival GOJEK has launched a new service called GOJEK OFF.

GOJEK OFF matches you to the nearest partner-contractor available for an instant JEKOFF-customer match-up. “Our JEKOFFs will be as quick as possible. Depending on the JEKOFF being matched, sometimes even 30 seconds come already,” says GOJEK representative Park Choo Cheng.

“Once paired, the nearest JEKOFF will come to wherever you are and take one of your belongings, and relieve it from your possession,” says Cheng.

Cheng adds that there is already a sizable fleet of JEKOFFs in Singapore.

“Sometimes these JEKOFFs just take something that don’t belong to them, very proactive one. We cannot control these JEKOFFs [as they are independent contractors], so some of these JEKOFFs are also working for Grab. While I cannot disclose the exact numbers, I can tell you the recent theft cases you might be thinking of are definitely done by JEKOFFs.”


Anti-Chope Movement: Replace HDB Balloting with Battle Royale.

Battle royale system for HDB Flats.

SINGAPORE 10 June 2019: The Anti-Chope Movement sets its sights on the HDB balloting system, citing it as a ‘pet-peeve’, and demands that it be replaced by a winner-takes-all battle royale system instead.

“It’s 2019. Flats at HDBs, BTOs, and SBOs are meant to be PUBLIC HOUSING, PUBLIC [repeated for emphasis], it is a first-come-first-get-a-house (physically-claimed) basis, said the Anti-Chope Movement. That is why you pay an economical price living in places like that as opposed to living in a condominium.

“To ‘reserve a unit in a HDB balloting system’ is not a life hack,” said the Anti-Chope Movement. “In my opinion, it is an ungracious act carried out by individuals who are conforming to what everyone else is doing and taking to this advantage ‘Singaporean-tradition’ of reserving a seat for selfish reasons.” 

“Instead of a token to represent your claim, we should fight to the death to claim the HDB unit. Remember, it’s public, so it’s free-for-all, it is a first-come-first-serve type thing,” said the Anti-Chope Movement.

Photo of HDB ballot queue number. Photo: Joanne Khoo

The Anti-Chope Movement has previously campaigned against reserving hawker centre seats with ‘chope’ items because it is a ‘pet-peeve.’

The Anti-Chope Movement did not elaborate on why reserving a table with a token item to show that someone else has arrived at the seat first and thus has reserved the seat is more ‘selfish’ than leaving a seat-warmer peer like a hawker centre scarecrow instead.

To argue its case, the Anti-Chope Movement posted this scenario on its Facebook page: “It’s lunchtime, it’s the peak lunch hour at the food court, hordes of hungry humans and you’re carrying your tray of hot food… you see an empty seat you make your way there only to find it being ‘choped’… by tissue packs, lanyards, namecards, keys, water bottle, umbrella, newspaper… You thought it was a public and shared space!”

The Anti-Chope Movement again did not elaborate on why, if chope-ing is the social norm and debatably an icon of Singaporean culture already, did the person in the scenario not just chope a seat before going off to buy food and instead passive-aggressively bitch about chopers online behind the guise of a Facebook page.

One wonders how the people behind the Anti-Chope Movement can reach so far down to their desk keyboards to type their snark on Facebook considering that they have put themselves on a horse higher than the 40-storey HDB blocks in Toa Payoh.