All jobs deemed essential, surveyees to face jail

Photo by Kit Suman on Unsplash

15 JUNE 2020 Singapore: In response to the outrage on social media, the Singapore Ministry of Truth has deemed that all jobs are indeed essential. This new decree includes mandating artists and designers as essential jobs. Additionally, all surveyed respondents will face jail time for expressing their opinion.

“All jobs are equal. We have to see that now. My ear wax-remover told me when she initially saw the survey results, she literally couldn’t,” said the Minister of Truth, Tok Kok Eng. According to the survey, ear wax-removers were on the list of jobs deemed least essential by the public.

“She told me, then you tell all the people who were surveyed to destroy all their cotton buds. Destroy all their ear picks, if not, they are all hypocrites! Don’t ever wash your ear! Close off the taps too that people use for washing their ears!” Tok Kok Eng relayed.

In response to the complaint by his one ear wax-remover, Tok Kok Eng said that decisive action must be taken to prevent job essentialism-discrimination.

“We will henceforth change the dictionary meaning and sentiment to reflect the notion that all jobs are essential, that way, nobody will have badfeels and sadthinking.” Said Tok Kok Eng.

When asked if now all jobs will be at risk for layoffs due to budget constraints, Tok Kok Eng said “While we have to recognise that everybody is the same and everybody is just as important, for instance, a painter is just as important as a neurosurgeon, we have to keep in mind that all jobs are equally essential, some are just more eqally essential than others.”

Tok Kok Eng also touched on the irresponsibility of the survey to show opinions of the masses.

“How dare these people think such a thing? We will work quickly with the relevant authorities to ensure that they do not think without written or electronic prior approval,” said Tok Kok Eng.

“Such expression of thought is dangerous if left uncontrolled. Next, they could say that they think KFC is more delicious than McDonald’s, or Subway is not that fresh in their opinion.”

Those who have expressed their opinions on which jobs were least essential (by the way, all jobs are super totally essential) will skip the Singapore prisons and be sent straight to the gulag for wrongthink.


Man gets life in prison for jaywalking; Deemed no future as plays Mobile Legends


27 SEPTEMBER 2019 SINGAPORE: A man today was charged in court for jaywalking and sentenced to life imprisonment after the judge rejected the defendant’s call for a non-custodial sentence.

Kah, 23, was sentenced to life imprisonment after pleading guilty to one charge of jaywalking on Hougang Street 93. Two similar charges were taken into consideration.

Citing her reasons, District Judge Seh Tai Er described Keow Kah’s offences as “minor trespasses” several times, but deemed that “since the accused has no hope in life, might as well just do life lor.”

She also noted that the court report had found Kah suitable for life imprisonment as his lifestyle choices show he has “never really rank up, quite burden.”

“As a Warrior II level player, he really has no hope in life despite his insistent commitment to always play Mobile Legends.”

In a separate case, a molester was given probation this year in lieu of a jail sentence as the judge found the offences to be “minor intrusions” and found the accused has the “potential to excel in life”.

Kah did not respond to our questions on his sentencing as he was busy playing Mobile Legends.