Singapore activists rush to defend new pieces of shit

Activist running to defend a newly-found piece of shit: Unsplash

17 DEC 2020 SINGAPORE: Activists across Singapore had their activist-senses on fire today as they rushed to defend newly-uncovered pieces of shit.

Two pieces of defecation today were charged in court for the murder of a woman in a 13-year-long open case.

After learning of the heinous crimes committed by the literal pieces of shit, activists raced to jump in front of desperate media microphones to defend the pieces of shit. “This is state oppression, and this Stasi government will silence us all if they could!” Daniel Loo-Hsien-Earl told to media outlets that were happy to carry his statements unchecked.

“Today, these innocent pieces of shit, tomorrow you!” D. Loo-Hsien-Earl continued. “Let them go now!”

Lawyer and opposition politican Gan Troup said “I have declared this investigation of the pieces of shit to be politically motivated, therefore this is state oppression carried out by crony crooked cops! Set them free at once I say!” Gan was speaking to media outlets through Changi Prison visitation chambers as he chose to not cooperate with Police investigating two separate matters he was accused of. “This Nazi government will do away with us all one by one with no due process! Is this the government you want to vote for?!”

Gan is awaiting trial on his own charges, as well representing a different activist in a trial against the sitting Prime Minister.

“All they did was hold up a sign, in support of a political event with political motivations, and it happened to be in front of a police station! If that’s a protest, then lock me up too!”, an activist protested to media cameras on the state of the authoritarian government locking up another activist for protesting on a separate occasion.

All jobs deemed essential, surveyees to face jail

Photo by Kit Suman on Unsplash

15 JUNE 2020 Singapore: In response to the outrage on social media, the Singapore Ministry of Truth has deemed that all jobs are indeed essential. This new decree includes mandating artists and designers as essential jobs. Additionally, all surveyed respondents will face jail time for expressing their opinion.

“All jobs are equal. We have to see that now. My ear wax-remover told me when she initially saw the survey results, she literally couldn’t,” said the Minister of Truth, Tok Kok Eng. According to the survey, ear wax-removers were on the list of jobs deemed least essential by the public.

“She told me, then you tell all the people who were surveyed to destroy all their cotton buds. Destroy all their ear picks, if not, they are all hypocrites! Don’t ever wash your ear! Close off the taps too that people use for washing their ears!” Tok Kok Eng relayed.

In response to the complaint by his one ear wax-remover, Tok Kok Eng said that decisive action must be taken to prevent job essentialism-discrimination.

“We will henceforth change the dictionary meaning and sentiment to reflect the notion that all jobs are essential, that way, nobody will have badfeels and sadthinking.” Said Tok Kok Eng.

When asked if now all jobs will be at risk for layoffs due to budget constraints, Tok Kok Eng said “While we have to recognise that everybody is the same and everybody is just as important, for instance, a painter is just as important as a neurosurgeon, we have to keep in mind that all jobs are equally essential, some are just more eqally essential than others.”

Tok Kok Eng also touched on the irresponsibility of the survey to show opinions of the masses.

“How dare these people think such a thing? We will work quickly with the relevant authorities to ensure that they do not think without written or electronic prior approval,” said Tok Kok Eng.

“Such expression of thought is dangerous if left uncontrolled. Next, they could say that they think KFC is more delicious than McDonald’s, or Subway is not that fresh in their opinion.”

Those who have expressed their opinions on which jobs were least essential (by the way, all jobs are super totally essential) will skip the Singapore prisons and be sent straight to the gulag for wrongthink.

Heroes of the Storm Earns HPB Healthier Choice Recommendation Over Dota 2 Due to Salt Content.

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Heroes of the Storm dubbed healthier over Dota 2 due to salt levels.

The Singapore Health Promotion Board (HPB) has earned the Healthier Choice label over fellow Multiplayer online battle arena (MOBA) title Dota 2.

“The salt content in Dota 2 is at extremely unhealthy levels and should be taken in moderation.” Said Mr. Kiam, spokesman of HPB. “When consumed in excessive quantities, Dota 2 players may face health complications such as kidney failure due to extreme salt intake. Severe cases may even develop into cancer” added Mr. Kiam.

“Heroes of the Storm is a much healthier alternative, and provides similar levels of entertainment, albeit less intense.” Mr. Kiam said at a press event.

Closing off with some advice, Mr. Kiam said that in addition to considering alternatives, players can consider “git gud” to avoid negative health implications.

Circles.Life Forsees Rebranding to ‘Foreign’ Brand Squares.Souls in Q3 2018.

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Circles.Life has announced that it forsees a “foreign” brand buy-in by mysterious Squares.Soul in Q3 of 2018.

“We are very excited.” quipped Ms. Ai Mai, Circles.Life representative. “Circles.Life is extremely hip and up-to-date. We forsee an unannounced dip in profits in 2018 and a sudden re-brand that will really shape up the brand.”

Following in the recent footsteps of Gong Cha and Llao Llao in Singapore, Circles.Life foresees a change in branding toward a “third-party” takeover.

“We can foresee that mobile services will remain the same. We will no longer be a pointless company.” reported Ms. Mai. “The foreseen rebrand will be edgier and well-balanced.”

Ms. Mai ended the media event saying that other telcos should be ready to “square up.”

SMRT declares Man’s Not Hot as company anthem.

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SMRT seeking to acquire Big Shaq’s hit single, Man’s Not Hot as company anthem.

“It really resonates with what SMRT is providing Singapore with, every day.” Said SMRT spokesperson, Sum Ting Wong. “SMRT is not just about what we hope to achieve, but also what we are currently bringing to the table for Singaporeans.”

Wong has stated that the lyrics, “The ting goes skrrraa” in particular, speaks volumes about the recent Joo Koon train collision. Adding to the statement, Wong said about the line “When the ting went quack-quack-quack, You man were ducking.” describes perfectly the moment when the trains collided, causing unfortunate commuters to’duck.’

“You man thought I froze” was another excerpt particularly familiar with the SMRT ideals.

“It’s almost as if it was written to mirror SMRT situations,” Wong said about the line. “Many times, we just have trains waiting at stations due to a plethora of reasons.”

Wong, currently in SMRT, was reported to be in a horrific plane crash, but miraculously survived.

 

Big Shaq Visits Singapore, Declares “Man is hot.”

 

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World-famous rapper Big Shaq in front of Marina Bay, Singapore

“Man is hot,” reported Big Shaq, recent worldwide-sensation rapper. “Man thought Man can never be hot, but here… here, Man is very hot.” Big Shaq continued to say, in the blistering 34°C weather.

Sweat was rolling down the sides of Big Shaq as he tried to flag a cab on the roadside of the MRT station, after the train failed to depart the station due to a track fault or some other reason, not that it matters.

Big Shaq most recently shot to fame after an overnight sensation following this video.

Upon entering the cab, Big Shaq was asked by the cab driver if he would like the air-conditioning on. “Ya dun know,” said Big Shaq.